Everything is on Fire

When I woke up Monday morning, I was half asleep going about my business. Took the dogs out, took a shower, got dressed, and then came out in the livingroom where I saw that over 50 people were killed and over 500 people were wounded by a shooter in Las Vegas. The counts are still coming in, but they’ve already avoided calling him a terrorist, brought up mental health, bemoaned “what does this say about our country,” and interviewed family who just “had no idea this would ever happen.”

LISTEN UP MOTHERFUCKERS.

NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE.

WE LIVE IN THE AFTER TIMES.

I remember sitting in my office crying as they showed the Sandy Hook shootings back in 2012. I remember thinking that something would have to change, everyone always says “think of the children!” so this would be the moment. Instead we had people on the radio saying it was a hoax and calling the parents of these dead children liars. When nothing happened after that, and after all the times that followed, I knew we had chosen this future. The United States of America had decided this was a cost it was willing to bear.

Prayers, policies, thoughts, reflection, all of it is bullshit. NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. We can’t even pass a budget, you think we’re going to pass gun reform with a Republican majority in both the House and Senate happy to pass all their crazy shit under the umbrella of Cheeto McRacistPants? You think we’re gonna reduce magazine sizes when we can’t even provide Puerto Rico with support and drinking water? FLINT MICHIGAN IS STILL WITHOUT CLEAN DRINKING WATER AFTER IT BECAME A PROBLEM THREE YEARS AGO.

We love to talk about how concerned we are and how our thoughts are with them and gosh isn’t it sad and then a week later we’re back to business as usual. It’s worse than a New Year’s resolution!

So excuse me if, on January 20, 2017, I accepted that we now live in the After-Times and every fucking week I learn that I have been limiting my imagination for how terrible and horrifying things can be and I DON’T BELIEVE YOUR FUCKING FALSE HORROR BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE AND YOU DID NOTHING.

BABIES WERE LAID OUT UNDER SHEETS AND YOU DID NOTHING.

BABIES. We already knew you couldn’t give a shit about teachers. BUT BABIES WERE DEAD AND YOU COULDN’T GIVE UP THAT SWEET NRA CASH TITTY FOR TWO FUCKING SECONDS.

I have seen all the things this year and then I see something else, and my initial reaction is horror but then I switch to “of course that happened, why wouldn’t it?” and move on to the next day when there might be a terribly offensive tweet or another unarmed black person being murdered or a mass shooting or maybe World War 3 or a hurricane or people losing healthcare or or or and and and…

These are the After-Times: Keep up or grow numb trying.

 

Survival

Oh my god it is October. WHY WAS SEPTEMBER SUCH AN ASSHOLE? I just feel like I’m lying in a mud puddle but really it’s quicksand and the harder I struggle the more messy and stuck I get. At least I’ve pulled myself out enough that my depression doesn’t have her foot on my head pushing me down into the puddle anymore. She hangs out close by though, just got bored with hassling me.

With October here I read a post on Twitter that suggested that we all use this opportunity to start anew, to set some new goals, especially because September was a literal hurricane and a figurative shitstorm. I love lists and I love starting over, so along with the books I’ve got on my docket I’ve made some decisions to get me through the rest of the calendar year.

  1. I’m suspending production of my podcast, Based on the Book, until January. I do not have a reliable enough routine to get an episode up on a consistent weekly basis, and that’s how I want to run the ship. I was also getting a little bored with my setup, and I want to take some time to reassess and plan a little better for a format that can stand up to the weekly posting. I know I’m funny, I know I love to read, I should be able to do something cool. This gives me 3 months to figure that out.
  2. A personal goal is to be more in shape. We have a gym membership but I haven’t been going because everything, including my thoughts and motivation, have been on fire. This isn’t about losing weight, it’s about making sure my heart and body are healthy. So this month I’m going to make a concerted effort to go to the gym 3 times a week and do whatever I feel like doing. Any more concrete plans than that will probably trip me up. I know that sounds weird, but at this stage just going is going to be the success. And even though the holidays are a hard time to go, they are actually a fabulous time for me to go because it’s not crowded. 🙂
  3. I need to spend a lot less time on the internet and more time journaling, reading, and spending time outside in the pool. So I’m going to either figure out a time of day when I can shut all the screens off and be in my own head (in a good way) or choose a weekend day to spend like, 9am to 6pm doing things that are not electronics based, including video games. I’m not sure what’s going to work the best but I’m definitely going to think about it this week and try some things out. My mental health is really suffering lately and I think part of it is making this effort to bring quiet into my mind.

If you’d like to help with my going-to-the-gym goal, just ask me once in awhile if I’ve gone lately. If I think I’m going to disappoint someone or people actually care to know, I’ll probably be more likely to go. 🙂 Just don’t ask me about weight because I won’t know.

See you tomorrow! Same angel time, same angel channel.