The husband and I are always looking for ways to improve our communication and relationship. It’s not always easy since we are both loners, introverts, and homebodies, but one thing that actually helped us quite a bit was taking useful information from the five love languages.
Gary Chapman published his book The 5 Love Languages in like, 1995, so it’s been around a while. Some of the language in it, especially the way he speaks about women, is a bit dated, but his research on the “languages” is quite sound. The idea is that most people feel the most loved if they are shown love in one of the following ways.
Words of Affirmation: Talk gets your motor running. You like to hear that you are loved, powerful, strong, beautiful. Words are your fuel.
Acts of Service: When people do things for you.
Receiving Gifts: When you get stuff.
Quality Time: When someone wants to spend time doing things with you and gives you their full attention.
Physical Touch: Duh, I think you get this one.
So I oversimplified this a bit, but there are some quizzes you can take online too to find out where you land. The big point of the entire philosophy is that most people give love like they would want to be loved. Treat others like you would want to be treated, right? Wrong, says Chapman. With relationships and love you have to actually treat others as they would like to be treated. Assumptions can be dangerous when showing someone you love them, because not only might they not be feeling loved, but you may become resentful because you are putting in all this work and it’s not amounting to anything.
I find myself thinking about this a lot lately, and the husband actually brought it up last week, so I thought I would share with you my two.
For the most part I am a person who feels loved when people do things for me without expecting a lot back. The gift is the act of service. But I’m also a fair amount of a quality time person too; I get sick of just being in the same room and I actually want someone to make an effort to do something with me. So, for example, if the husband wants to make me feel loved he could do a chore I usually do, or maybe make plans to go to the movies and ask if I want to go. Spending quality time with me or doing things for me that give me more time to myself/to relax are A+++ for feeling loved.
I feel like sometimes those can bleed into the “receiving gifts” category, but I think we all feel loved if people do each of those things, but the key is to identify which ones make you feel the most loved. Spending time and acts of service are it for me. What makes you feel the most loved?