Grown Up Christmas List

There is a song on the All Holiday Music All the Time radio station called “Grown Up Christmas List” by Amy Grant (I KNOW, blast from the past) that always rubs me a little bit the wrong way.

Amy’s talking to Santa about how she used to sit on his lap and ask for toys and stuff, but now she wants to prevent war and spread love “not for myself but for a world in need.”

I don’t know about 1992 Amy Grant, but I’m the 2017 Angry Angel and the world is currently on fire, so Santa better be bringing me some really cool shit to distract me from the fact that everything is terrible all the time.


Even though we live in a time for cool gadgets and fun things (I’ve got a Samsung Smart Hub coming so I can freak out the husband by turning lights on and off from a distance!) I had a really difficult time coming up with things I wanted this year. What I really wanted isn’t offered in stores, and it’s definitely not world peace. So here’s my grown up Christmas list.

  1. Screw world peace, I want mental peace. The world is already fucked. Get my mind to shut the fuck up and relax for like 24 hours and you will have given me the best Christmas present of all.
  2. Santa baby, bring me a hotel stay and pay….for some room service please, Santa baby, and hurry down my chimney tonight.
  3. A baseball bat and 5 unsupervised, no-consequences minutes in a windowless room with anyone responsible for the “holiday” movie Father Figures.
  4. Please don’t look at my hands or feet, and my back and hips are atrocious right now. I need a chiropractor, masseuse, and nail tech STAT, and I know it would all make me feel better but you don’t really ask for this stuff so SANTA HELLO. I sat on your knee and asked for sleds and junk when I was little, remember me?,Can a bitch who was good this year get a spa pedicure and a realignment of my spine?
  5. I just tried to write hotel again but remembered I already wrote it.
  6. Are a few elves available to just come scour the master bathroom?
  7. I would like to return to my original timeline please. Is there a Delorean or some kind of old-timey film reel that could help me with that?
  8. Money

I’m at the age where I want conveniences and money, but asking for those is still viewed as crass or it’s too expensive to put on a list. What do YOU really want for Christmas, but can’t really ask for (or get for that matter)? What would your packages with bows contain under that tree if you could have whatever you wanted?