I have always needed to know where food is coming from. If we’re going on a trip, where are the rest stops? Heading to Disney? Make those reservations or insist on quick eats. I am the person that is always hungry and eats on a predictable schedule. Putting off credit card payments stresses me not a bit, but the idea of not having enough money for groceries sends me into a panic.
A couple of months ago I started to notice something: foods were starting to…not taste good? They weren’t really tasting bad either, they were just bland. I didn’t want to order pizza. I’ve been forgetting to eat lunch because I didn’t feel hungry, or going to bed with just a small amount of whatever it is we had for dinner.
I usually eat for enjoyment, because I love food. Lately I’ve been eating because I should eat something, if I remember at all.
The lucky thing is that I’ve had enough therapy to know to voice when something doesn’t seem right. So last night I was like “Hey Scott, I don’t look forward to food anymore, I don’t even feel hungry, and when I do eat I feel gross. Is that something like a stomach disorder?” When he googled it the internet just screamed through the speakers IT IS DEPRESSION, DUMMY.
I have also noticed an uptick in my anxiety. I can usually brush my shoulders off when small things happen, but lately my levels jump about small things and never quite get back down below a level 7 out of 10. My principal included me on an email to his secretary this afternoon that simply said “hey, schedule a time for Amanda and I to chat” about my most recent classroom observation ratings and I suddenly couldn’t breathe because he didn’t explicitly say everything was okay, so my mind took off and left me in the dust.
I am a high functioning depressive, and this combo is a pair of red flags that are getting my attention to let me know that I am reaching the edge of what I am capable of managing on my own. So I took some deep breaths, I’m trying to assume the best about that “chat” situation at work, and I called my therapist this afternoon to leave a message for an appointment. I’m hoping to hear back from her tomorrow or Wednesday so I can get back on the therapy train.
It’s lucky that I’ve managed to handle most moments in my life with therapy and not having to medicate. I hope I can do so this time too, but honestly the anxiety I feel at work is really overwhelming, especially after losing my job the way I did last year, and so I want to be open to medication too.
I’ll let you all know how this all pans out. Never be afraid to tell someone when something isn’t right or when you feel something out of place. Someone always cares about you and help is there if you need it. You just need to be brave enough to lean on someone and to ask for assistance.
Read. Be brave Stay angry.