Oh DC, I know that watching the Marvel Universe expand and make all that money must have been like watching your ex go for someone clearly not as awesome as you. “I’m fucking BATMAN,” you screamed into the abyss, “We have SUPERMAN!”

Deep in your mother’s basement that you call your Batcave, fingers coated in cheeto dust, watching Captain America Civil War for the thirtieth time, you knew you could do this better. This inner conflict, group-takes-sides bullshit was always better with the Justice League. “This is bullshit,” you cried. “WE invented self-policing of the supers. THE ENTIRE JUSTICE LEAGUE TURNED THEMSELVES IN TO CONGRESS!!”

And so you decided you would reboot for the 230948307424923 time (although mercifully only subjected us to like a cumulative 10 minutes of angsty Batman origin story flashbacks – thanks for that, Edible Arrangement on the way) and give us a Superman movie, and then a Batman vs. Superman movie, and then Wonder Woman, leading up to the introduction of the Justice League that would give you all the branched out individual movies and side buddy stories that the Avengers have enjoyed on their own for far too long.

“Thor Ragnarok? Wait ’til they get a load of Flash/Cyborg!” You tented your fingers like a real world Mr. Burns, imagining the fan bois lining up for the awkward friend making that they would totally relate to.

So I’ll give it to you, DC, that you thought to make Aquaman hott because Aquaman is LAAAAAAAAAAAME and Momoa totally turned that around for me in this movie, and the Flash as the awkward kid was on brand and good too. But we need to talk about just a couple of things because this movie was better than I expected, but less than I deserved. So sit down, because I have some truth nuggets for your earholes that you need to hear. From a friend.

1. Stop making Diana be this wide-eyed, rolls her eyes, reactionary “girl.” She’s Wonder Woman for god’s sake MAKE HER TAKE CHARGE AND LEAD.
2. Having Superman die in the second movie was dumb, and the short resolution to his death made it all feel disingenuous and worthless. I know to true fans the backstory to all of it makes sense, but to us casual fans it felt…I don’t know, pointless.
3. Listen carefully to this one. It’s very important. BATMAN. IS. NOT. THE. COMIC. RELIEF. EVER. He is not quippy. He does not provide the punchline. He isn’t flustered. HE’S BATMAN. This movie was absolutely SHAMEFUL when it came to that. I was embarrassed for DC and Batman.
4. That villain was kind of cool, but he was too easily dispatched. Why did it all rely on Superman? The Justice League is a team, but they were getting harcore slapped around until Superman flew in and basically just punched him once and ended it. Also there was not really any suspense. 3 cubes that shouldn’t come together, and if they do they have to be separated? I’m shaking in my boots. No emotion, too predictable, and a moderate boss made for a “meh” plotline.

Despite these aspects, the movie was better than I expected. There were quite a few laugh out loud moments, and the graphics and visuals were impressive. The Flash was funny, Cyborg was intriguing, and Momoa as Aquaman was a good decision. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman were not quite themselves, but hopefully by the next movie they’ll be more united.

Now I am just waiting for a decent Green Lantern movie. A girl can dream, can’t she?