Welcome back! I’m still working on some pretty long books, but I read something recently that made me so furious I briefly liquefied then re-solidified, so of course I had to share it with you. I sent a form letter about cancelling student loan debt to President Biden, and I was pleasantly surprised to get the following form letter back. Less surprising was the absolute tone-deafness of its contents. It is important to remember that this letter was dated November 3rd (today!) because later on something won’t make sense.

It’s a good start. This opening paragraph makes me feel like maybe the president really understands my concerns and is about to give me good news about his new stance on cancelling student debt. I’m listening…

Okay hold on there commander in chief. You can’t say that you cancelled debt “in the form of” interest payments. Interest is EXTRA MONEY that people owe ON TOP OF the actual debt. (Whether student debt should have interest at all is a different discussion altogether.) The student loan debt that we want you to cancel is still there. You didn’t steal my nose and you didn’t just find that quarter behind my ear. I understand the difference between interest and principal and this paragraph is a lot of bullshit. Also, $10,000 in forgiveness is such a fucking drop in this HUGE bucket that you might as well not forgive any of it, which we are all VERY aware is your actual intent.

Okay here we are. Remember when I said that this letter was dated TODAY 11/3/21? Bitch, the free community college you’re touting here was dropped from the BBB plan like two weeks ago, along with paid family leave and lower prescription costs for seniors, among other things. This entire paragraph is out of date, and again this letter was dated TODAY.

But the datedness aside, why would this appeal to me? My issue was cancelling existing student loan debt. That’s what I wrote to you about. I am 38 years old and I can’t afford to buy a house, what the absolute fuck do I care about lowering the cost of college? I mean, I care because I don’t want others to suffer like I am, but in the context of this letter you’re trying to distract me with something that (1) doesn’t apply to me and (2) doesn’t even exist anymore.

Who does Biden think “the next generation of Americans” describes here? Is it Millennials? Probably not because if the New York Times has taught us anything it’s that us Millennials are the most hated generation, the most irresponsible, etc. Is it Gen Z? If Biden can tell me the age range of EITHER Millennials or gen Z I’ll let him define the next generation of Americans. Either way, the “next generation of Americans” doesn’t have extraordinary capacity because we have an extraordinary amount of student debt, which he should cancel immediately.

***

*Raises glass* Here’s to endless possibilities for the next generation! You know, whatever generation comes after he’s gone so he and all the other old, out of touch dudes don’t have to worry about it. See also: climate change.